In order to solve the impasse in the House of Representatives I will accept the appointment as Speaker of the House.
As Speaker of the House, the following change will be implemented immediately.
Before a member is seated they must submit a 100-page handwritten essay, typed essays are unacceptable and will receive a zero. The essays will contain the following:
- Each clause of the Bill of Rights and its meaning
- The economic impact of overspending
- Who exactly do you work for and why
Grading
- Penmanship and grammar count for 50% of their total score
- Completeness for 10%
- Correctness for the remaining 40%
- A 90% passing score is required to be seated
Other Requirements
- Cursive or hand-printed in black ink
- Relevant hand-drawn full-page illustrations will count toward the page count
- Extra credit for the Title Page, Table of Contents, and Executive summaries (these are optional)
- Mandatory bibliography of all sources
All essays are due one week from the assignment date and do-vers one week from the date of grading. A maximum of two do-overs are allowed.
The hiring of tutors is permissible but all work must be completed by the member. Cheaters will be disqualified and given only one do-over to redeem themselves.
The following additional languages will be accepted in lieu of English:
- Any of the Tolkien Languages, Elven, Dwarvish, the Language of Mordor, etc.
- Klingon
- Vulcan
- Andorian
- Dothraki
- High Valyrian.
These additional languages must be written in their own native script with an emphasis on penmanship and grammar.
Any member unable to achieve a passing grade will not be seated and placed on a commercial transit bus back to their home state.
Disclaimer
This entire article is satire which is defined as, A literary work in which human foolishness or vice is attacked through irony, derision, or wit.