Vatican City
Pope Francis made a call for a new inquisition today as news of Elon Musk Tweeting that he is hiring for a VP of Witchcraft and Propaganda on June 11, 2023. A new Inquisitor General will be appointed soon.
Looking to hire a VP of Witchcraft & Propaganda
— Elon Musk (@elonmusk) June 11, 2023
Not since the trial and execution of a Spanish school master, Cayetano Ripoll, for heresy in 1826 has the inquisition been activated in this manner. A representative for the Congregation for the Doctrine of Faith, formerly the Supreme Sacred Congregation of the Roman and Universal Inquisition, agreed to speak on the condition of anonymity said, “The Holy See is furious and made an emergency call to President Biden urging him to cooperate with the inquisition or he will be excommunicated for his stance on abortion.”
Requests for comment from the White House have gone unanswered. But a source close to the president says, “The president is worried for his immortal soul and is weighing his options carefully.”
Democrats on the Left are praising the Pope for his bold action against Elon Musk and Congresswoman Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez was quoted, “It’s about time someone did something about Elon Musk. I knew he was an evil man, I can’t wait for him to be burned at the stake! Twitter has been such a vile place since he took over ownership, it has become a hellscape of bigotry and fascism. Good riddance to him!”
Republicans usually know for their theocratic stance and insisting that the bible is the supreme law have softened their tone, Speaker of the House, Kevin McCarthy had this to say, “Although I am disappointed with Elon Musk, the first Amendment to our Constitution guarantees every American the freedom of religion whatever that religion might be. We have a sacred duty to defend that right to the death if we must.”
Rumors also persist that the Vatican will be releasing an updated version of the Malleus Malficarum also known as the Hammer of Witches written in 1486 by German Catholic clergyman Heinrich Kramer. For centuries it was the go to text for all things Witchcraft and how to exterminate witches. It also had considerable influence in witch trials and is expected to be the handbook for the Inquisitors.
Wiccans, Satanists, Atheists, and other Heretical groups are all concerned that the American Inquisition is nigh, prompting some to convert to Catholicism. The hope is to avoid being put the the question. Others are going into hiding to escape persecution. “Dark times are coming again, God help us all,” said a Congressional aide that asked to remain anonymous.
Whatever is coming next, we are definitely living in interesting times, David Isakson reporting for Disgruntled News.
Disclaimer: This is Satire and should not be taken seriously.